We were together total five years. Six months before break up I moved to another city for studying. Mostly I just had to get away from my life, which hadn't never felt my own - so moving to Jyväskylä was suppose to be my new rescue, escape from the pain. So I moved.. And then I felt like flying! I didn't need anything or anyone, I was strong, needed, loved, true person. And that was the worst and the best thing ever happened to me; breaking up. First time of my life I felt truly alive! And I didn't need my addiction (ex-fiance) to tell me that I'm worth of something. HOW NAIVE! Well.. One month passed by, I was again working too much as I have always done. I got tired, I got lost, I was all alone, I panicked. I was nothing! Then I realized how horrible wrong I had done! I went back to my ex-fiance, I was so so so sorry, I begged him to forget me my mistakes. But I knew I broke him too. He just cried... There were nothing else he could do. He told me there weren't anyone else. There was one girl, but it was just one night thing. He said he needs some time, and I gave it to him. "How much time?" He didn't know.
Went one month, went another. Then he came to me and said that he wants to have me in his life, lets try it. And we did. He sat in my parents house during the Christmas holidays and no one knew there were any troubles going on in our relationship. Funny! We just didn't tell it. It was just like old times. But I knew something was wrong, I felt it. He didn't look at me at the way he used to. I asked about millions times, but he said "nothings wrong". Couple more months went by. I couldn't stand the coldness in him. He didn't answer to my calls, he didn't come to see me. And one day I had enough! I said I don't want to have him in my life anymore, it's too painful. And then he told me the truth... He told me he is going to be dad... To who? To the lady he had slept with once... Or that's what he told me. My whole world stopped right there. I have never felt that kind of feeling, I can't even describe that. Everything around me stopped, there weren't anything, only the pain in my chest. There weren't time or space, only pain. He said he don't know what to do, but the lady was 3,5 months pregnant. He needs to think things through by himself. We wen't to sleep but I just cried and shaked all night and he held me in his arms. In the morning he left, and I cried over 3 weeks in a row. This was the turning point in my relationship with my mother. I called her because there wasn't anything! I was so afraid, but I felt that I just don't have anything to loose anymore. And my mother, she was amazing! So understanding. She called me everyday to make sure that I had been eating..
Weeks went by, he didn't know what to do, he couldn't decide. But he just couldn't let me go. And I couldn't stand the idea that he would not be a father to a child. I knew I could not live with that. But he didn't listen to me, he was so lost. I almost gave up. I couldn't sleep, eat, go to school, go to work, move, read, watch television, listen to music. I just cried or stared to the ceiling. The pain was unbearable. The school I went was a bit different. We had our own company and we did every studies by working in it. I gave everything to it, but when all the drama in my life started I was powerless, I didn't have strength to do anything. Our company coach (teacher) said to me, I have to take sick leave for three weeks. We agreed about it and our company members agreed about that too. They said "take your time", "you can come back and well take you back with open arms". So I took the trip to Azores all by myself to clear my head. It was the hardest thing to do. I cried first five days during that trip. But I also found the beauty from the nature, I got stronger. During that trip my "ex" called me (hi didn't know I'm on that trip). The lady that was pregnant had miscarriage and he wanted to fix our relationship. The reaction was the same than when I heard about the pregnancy... I was in a shock.
I came back to Finland, didn't know what to think. But I was much stronger! I wanted to work again, go to school. Actually, I was a bit excited. The worst darkness was over. I had the strength to go to store, to school, to was my hair. So my ex and I, we decided to try again. And I went to school. But when I went to school, all I got was another bomb! They had decided during my sick leave that they will kick me out of the company. That was so big shock to me! I couldn't say anything. I acted like a cool, but as soon as I got out of the building I collapsed. I jumped on a train and traveled to my ex house. The only thing I could think was "What Am I Gonna Do Know?!". I asked, If I should move back to Tampere, he didn't say anything. Then I realized it... He just couldn't be with me, I couldn't go to school anymore, I didn't had anything! AGAIN! I felt so worthless piece of shit. I didn't have money, I didn't have job, I was in a strange city with nothing. All my friends had back-stabbed me, there wasn't anyone! Couple weeks went in a mist. I can't remember anything from that period. Then I got the job in a candy factory. I was so tired but at the same time I knew I don't have any options left. I forced myself to work every day. Endless darkness. Then my cousin died (he was only a little over 30 years old) because of cancer. It took one year and he was gone. Everything happened during the same year.
End of summer I watched over my ex sisters house and my ex wanted to come there with me. He had said to me that he wants to be with me but he needs time to heal his wounds. He told me every time that he doesn't have anyone else. We went to bed to sleep and I couldn't sleep. I took his phone and went outside. I read all his messages. He had lied to me and to other women almost one year. The lady that was pregnant.. They had dated almost a year. He was with my family the whole Christmas, and texted to that lady at the same time. He came to my home, hi made love with me countless times, told me how much he loves me and that he wants to be with me. And that other lady.. She didn't know anything about me. So my ex lied almost a year to both of us. I sat outside for three hours reading all the lies he had told me, all the lies he was telling to the other lady. I shaked three hours. I couldn't believe it! How could he!? When I asked about it, he lied again, straight to my face. I just hoped that he would have told the truth. After two weeks I told him that I know everything. He didn't say anything. The other lady still doesn't know anything. I have seen my ex time to time and the other lady doesn't know anything... I wanted to tell her, but I decided that it's not my thing to do, it's not my business. I don't want to hurt my ex even he broke my heart. I hope he won't ever know how badly, 'cause it would kill him. Of course I hate him, of course I can't believe everything that have happened. But I'm just trying to understand. I'm trying to think that I'm still worth of love and desirable. I'm trying so hard to think that it's not about me, it's not that I wasn't good enough.. Yes, I'm trying very hard. And still, I don't want to hurt him! End of that summer my father found Jesus and stopped drinking... Miracles happens!
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This is the short version about what have happened to me during the most horrible 1,5 years in my life. I'm n ot sure what effected the most in my; my childhood, extremely low self esteem, breaking up, lying, waiting for one year, kicking out from our company, my friends turning their backs at me, my cousin cancer and dying, hopeless, money trouble. But step by step I got better. Still there is lots to do, I'm still a bit broken human being, but I'm alive! I'm going school, working, having friends, sometimes even dating, I believe in life, future, in me and in every others! There isn't darkness that is endless.. Everything in life goes with pares, like darkness and light. Every storm comes with the sunshine. Just DON'T GIVE UP!
