I'm starting to think that I have something wrong in my head :D! During the last five years I have changed apartment six times... But during the past year this is my third move! Maybe I'm way too restless! This is also very good financial decision but still! I get so easily bored! It's actually quite scary.. But I'm not gonna get into that right now. The funny thing is that every time I move into a new apartment it's not as good as the last one! So I'm changing my living conditions to worse every time! I'm pretty sure that's not the usual development of life!
Now I'm moving into a shared apartment for the first time. One year ago I though I could never move into a apartment where I have to share the living space! And now I'm gonna have only one room that's completely mine. And I'm really looking forward to it! It's gonna be challenging for me but in the good way! I have to loose control even more.
Hmm... Why was this bunching back in women's toilet? I think it is for women as restless as me :D! But this was quite fun actually! Good tip to every restaurant and bar owners ;P!
Sometimes I'm almost laughing because the way I live my life, always challenging! And if I don't have some challenging happening in my life I'm questioning the whole life of mine... I'm very curious where I'm gonna lead myself... Because when I do the challenging decision I don't have any idea where it's gonna take me! But I'm just daring.. I hope it wont bring sanity in my head!
I've been extremely busy lately. I've traveled a lot, running half of the time, I haven't even slept enough! It's funny that every time I change the place it's strangely pleasing feeling but at the same time it's hard that I can't settle down even a little! It's always me and my suitcase! But it's the only way I can feel environment changing enough, only way to keep life going as an interesting journey. Still I don't feel it's enough..
I don't have any clue what i'm trying to reach, what is the thing I need, the thing that I miss. Only thing I know is that I'm way too restless. I'm just running all the time, trying to make myself feel all the good things that life can give. Still I don't get enough anything. So is it the human nature that always wants more, insatiable urge to feel and live bigger. Always more more more more.. But for me it isn't about greed. It's simply restlessness. Even though I have to admit that I ask too much from myself almost in every matter and maybe from others, especially in the case of men.
I took this picture during my trip to Oslo, Norway. I think this shows the nature of human beings; we always want bigger, always more, but we just can't do those big things without each other. Always more, more, more..
If my restlessness proceed from incomplete soul, only the half heart of mine, why do I reject even the idea of relationship? It can't be that! I don't even want a relationship right now, it just isn't possible! And I have had this feeling so many years, not only during my single period! So what is it? I sit on the train at this very moment.. When I waited train to leave, I looked around me, all those regular buildings, regular people with regular lives. I felt a bit jealousy because I realized that I might never fit in that kind of life, I might never settle down. It would be so much easier! But when I think about "regular life" I feel instantly sick. I just need something more...
It's gonna be a hard road, road of pain and heartache but at the same time the road of adventure and amazing experiences.. At least I hope so! But I believe in natural balance in the world: balance of good and evil. There's no bad without good and the other way round. So if I experience all the bad things there has to bee something good waiting for me on the future! And I can always choose to see the good things!
I've been avoiding this subject.. Why? Well, it is after all quite sensitive subject. I feel like this single world with all the rules is completely strange to me. I don't know how to play the game of love and actually I don't even want to learn it! At the same time you should be yourself but still not to reveal what's inside you... Excuse me?!? Should that make any sense? Well, for me it doesn't!
Bring it on I say, I'm ready for anything! This pic tells everything I feel about dating and relationships..
It really sucks but still I'm gonna take the ride, hard one as you can see ;D!
I've been wondering about the first impression.. One man said some time ago to me that I look and sound like fucking confident woman. I wasn't so sure if that is compliment, I doubt that! Many other has said to me that I look so strong and confident woman who knows what she wants.. Maybe some part of that is true, but most of the time I really don't feel like that! And what comes on dating; I'm just like poor child... So fucking confident isn't what I feel like, not at all!
Dating, deathly dating. Why do I call it like that? Well, I think dating really is deathly! Maybe it comes quite far away, somewhere deep inside me. First of all, I'm extremely afraid of falling in love! And falling in love REALLY is deathly! Okay, maybe I'm a bit too radical here: falling in love is also the best and the worst thing that can happen. The hardest part in dating is that there is a risk of falling in love. And every time there is also a risk of getting hurt, getting killed. So how can anyone say that I'm confident if I'm scared like hell something called love? And do I have courage to open myself to it? I doubt that one too!
I have dated 3 men during my single period. The funny thing is that they look, act and speak completely opposite than my ex did. And none of them are completely Finnish. They were so different! That is also so exiting but at the same time so scary, so strange. I've been quite confused and I don't have any idea how to handle that kind of men... The last one, he was totally mystery to me, even though he was very similar person than I am. And he, he was the one who broke the first protective wall of mine. He was so persistent! It took couple months, he worked so hard, but at the end he kind of won me, at least my trust. But then.. When he got me, he disappeared without an explanation. Typical man :D! So can you imagine how confident I was back then?
It doesn't take forever to become attached to someone. It really takes courage to let someone into your life, into your heart. But the truth is that everyone leaves, if not at this moment then the other. Everyone leaves someday, it's the natural law. So it really takes courage, you have to be crazy to do that, you have to dare yourself into a deathly game, game of love! Still I think it's worth of risk. I'm not sure when I'm ready to take that risk again, but it really is worth it! And if I have to find something good in that kind of experiences.. Well, now I know I can fall for someone, I still can trust if I want so! And I can let someone in my life, in my heart if I really want it (even it scares the shit out of me sometimes)! So do it! Because we are the ones who can make you love again ;)!
This song is dedicated to everyone who knows what love is and most importantly to those who knows what is deathly relationship, deathly heartache! And still you give the change to someone else because the power of love is just too strong to let go! So make each others love, let yourself to feel love (it doesn't end badly every time, at least I hope so... Maybe I'll do that too, someday.. ;P)!
