Too many makeovers :D

You know that it's very common that especially ladies changes their looks when something big happens in life. I'm not exception on that one! The bigger change in life the bigger change in the way you look.. And I have to say that it's good way to regenerate; I don't feel that I'm the same person than in those first pictures because the change was so big! And that means that I'm living different life, I'm different person and I don't need to think those things I did wrong or miss the old days... Because I don't! I wanna be this person with this style with this life, right here right now! I looked old pics and found so many different looks! I'm sharing couple of those, but there is so much more than just these ones. Maybe these tells a story about past 5 years of my life.

So first I had a long blond hair and the hair was all mine, not extension. I wanted to have nice long hair when getting married and that's the reason why I didn't cut them. I was some sort of a princess. This period lasted over four years.

This was quite big change. I broke up and moved to a different city. Then I felt that I need the whole new me so I wouldn't remind myself of a life I used to live with my fiance. And this happened :D! And it was totally impulsive move! I just walked in to barbershop and said "I want to cut my hair off and color it black.." Barber were shocked and couldn't say anything.

This one is mystery even for me! I have no idea what I was thinking! I mean I colored my hear into mix of yellow, orange, red and blonde.. Well, this didn't last more than couple months and I'm so happy for that!

Then the latest one.. It started with gradient and I have no idea where it's going! But all I know is that my look is changing still! I don't wear clothes I used to and if I see something I used to wear it makes me feel sick! But I'm pretty sure that I don't need to do any radical changes in my look anymore..

Suitcase Life

I've been on the road quite much during the past months. During the past two months I've been at home complete 10 days... Today I'm leaving again and I will spend 2,5 weeks in 4 different cities working like crazy. For some reason I feel so restless if I'm staying "too long" in one place. I'm not sure where that feeling comes from and will it ever fade away. Sometimes I feel too strong need to do something way too radical but luckily I haven't done anything too crazy so far. Even though I'm not even sure would that be a bad thing..

The feeling is so strong that I'm afraid of myself and the things I would do to satisfy that feeling. Well, one year ago I booked a trip to Azores by myself only four days before flights on the spur of the moment: I think it was really good decision but maybe a little crazy. Sometimes I feel that I should be more careful but in turn then I wouldn't do anything different. Last weekend I went to a strange city to a strange house and spend the whole weekend there. I knew one person but no one else, not even the one that owns the house I stayed. And I have to say I just loved it! I had so much fun, met punch of new people, slept way too little and laughed more than my body could handle. That reminded me how lucky I am with everything in my life and how I have made just the right decisions in my life even though it hasn't been easy! At the end of the day that's all that matters! So you just have to take risks to reach something in life, even those little things.

Last summer I lived 3 months in a quite interesting cottage. During that time I didn't do much more than spend time at home and at work. And what happened?! Well, my stuff were covered with mildew after 3 months... After that I moved away immediately and decided that I won't stay that long in one place at least for next 5 years!

Superficiality takes over the world

I'm not sure if I have rights to write about this subject. I have quite superficiality side too, like many of us have. I enjoy beautiful things like clothes, makeup, high heels, accessories, worked out bodies and all those not so meaningful things. Still there are times when I'm just so taken aback because of the things in this world. Can't we concentrate on the important things anymore? I feel that everything for example magazines, media, music, TV programs, ads etc tells a story about fake life! What about all the real things? What is this world gonna be like after 50 years? More material, more fake things, more negligible worries? What about children who are growing into the world with this set of values?

Time to time I stop everything I do, forgetting every superficial things, concentrating only into things that matters in life. Sometimes I'm a bit worried how hard it is even for me! If too long time goes by only with unimportant things, it's hard not to think about those! Nowadays I have a notebook and pencil with me no matter where I go. It helps me to see things in the world and concentrate on things that has nothing to do with me, then I can forget my own small life with meaningless worries.

I wonder if people can even talk about real things anymore.. can we? Sometimes it's so easy to talk about the things that doesn't matter at all, and I'm sure it's good to talk about those kind of things too. But what if it will change the way we think. What if after years of unimportant things we can't think anything else anymore?

sincerity and honesty

When I was a teenager I used to be a big liar and I'm not proud of that! One day, years ago I just decided that I'm not gonna lie anymore! Thank god I don't even know how to tell big lies anymore! But I remember the time when I did.. It was continuing vicious circle and the more I lied the harder it was to tell the truth in any factual connection. Telling a lie is one of the most hurtful things. I understood that I need to respect others at least that much that I tell the truth to them!

Now when I'm going forward as a honest person I experience other peoples lies extremely hurtful and degrading. If I would have known how bad it can make other person feel, I wouldn't never lie! What is the reason that makes people hurt each others? I mean what is wrong with us? I think we are living here together and we should pull together to survive. Why can't we see that? Maybe we are just so big cowards that we are too scared to accept responsibility from our own actions. It's so much easier (on the short run) to make lies or not to tell the truth, not to be responsible and fair. But trust me, on the long run it will destroy you!   

What I love about animals is that they are always sincere and honest! The same thing is with babies, they don't know how to lie yet. Dogs always show their feelings through their eyes and behavior. And I truly believe they have true feelings! Why can't people be like them? Why don't we want to be like they are; true honest living creatures!

As we know lying effects on health strongly. So isn't that quite good reason to seek the truthful life? I think it is. When you are honest you feel a whole person, you are more complete. And helping others, treat others like you want them to treat you, it just feels amazing! Never give up on people, there are some many good persons in the world. And always give second change; anyone CAN change!

Quite comical incident

It was so nice sunny summer day that I decided to go and play beach volley with my sister and her boyfriend. We went to a nice beach and noticed that there were a group of men already playing. We asked if we can join them and so we all played together. I have gained weight a little during the winter. I have only one pair of sport shorts so I had to put them on by force. I though I don't need underpants because my shorts are almost like bikini briefs. Also they fitted better without underpants. So I went to the beach only wearing shorts, sports bra and a top.

We started to play and it was so nice! I love beach volley! Suddenly I heard awful sound, sound of rupture. At that moment I knew that my shorts weren't so "safe to wear" anymore. I felt the wind in a totally wrong part of my body! I was terrified because I didn't know how badly my shorts ripped. I couldn't move anymore cause I wasn't sure what parts would be revealed. I asked if my sister or her boyfriend would have another pare of some kind of pants but no, they didn't have any kind of clothes besides the ones they were wearing. But at least they laughed their ass off. At that moment I didn't laugh at all! My only option was to modify my top into a skirt. And then I was almost free to move and play again. I just had to make sure that my "skirt" stays down! I'm pretty sure no one noticed my short episode, at least I hope so :D! What I learnt is "always wear underpants"! Next day I was wearing two pairs of briefs :D!

Muutoksen luoma pelko

Ajattelen, puhun ja kirjoitan muutoksesta, suuresta muutoksesta. Välillä kuitenkin huomaan, että ympärilläni olevat asiat ajavat minua vääjäämättä kohti entistä, kohti sitä, josta niin kovasti taistelen pois. Tämä kulttuurikin rajoittaa minua, tapa toimia, normaalin elämän määritelmä, odotukset siitä miten minun tulisi elää, mitä tulisi tehdä. Olen täysin vakuuttunut siitä, että lähes kaikki todella on itsestä kiinni, omista ajatuksista, omista näkökulmista, omasta uskosta. Välillä sen tuoma vastuu vaikuttaa minuun liian raskaasti; miksi en sitten tee enemmän toisin, muutu lisää, muuta kaikkea. Tai entä jos vuosia toistetut kaavat palaavat elämääni takaisin? Kyllä kaikki on toisin, kaikki on muuttunut. Silti havaitsen sisäisen vapisevan ja pelokkaan lapsen nostavan aika-ajoin päätään, yrittäen tunkeutua takaisin elämääni.

Mikä minusta tekee niin pelokkaan? Ihminen luontaisesti pelkää muutosta, suurta tuntematonta. Minä hakeudun siihen, ainakin niin on tarkoitukseni. Nyt kun istun yksin parvekkeellani mietin, yritänkö tarpeeksi kovaa, hakeudunko tosiaan muutokseen? Miksi minusta tuntuu toisin, mikäli niin toimisin? Muutos... Onkohan kuitenkin niin, että jo olemassa olevasta on liian vaikea luopua ottaakseen vastaan jotakin tuntematonta. Pelko pohjautuu ajatuksesta, että entä jos saankin tilalle jotakin paljon pahempaa. Ristiriidat uuden ja vanhan minuuden välillä tuntuvat olevan todella haastavia ratkoa; voittavatko ennakkoluulot, sisäiset toimintamallit, kasvatuksesta opitut käytösmallit vai voinko tosiaan murtaa kaiken, hypätä tuntemattomaan yhä uudestaan ja uudestaan?

Vaikeinta on kantaa vastuu päätöksistään, kulkea niiden kanssa pää pystyssä, olla uskollinen itselleen. Vaikeinta on olla ylpeä itsestään, tyytyväinen jopa kaikkii virheisiin joita on tehnyt ja kaikkiin virheisiin joita tulee tekemään. Mutta eivätkö juuri ne ole niitä asioita, jotka opettavat eniten, haastavat ja kasvattavat ihmisenä? Eikö juuri niistä tulisi olla ylpeä!? Kuinka luontaisesti ajatus "voi kumpa olisin toiminut toisin.." syöksyy mieleen yhä uudelleen ja uudelleen. Vaikka tiedän tuon kaiken olevan vain pelon puolustautumista, silti nuo kaikki ajatukset tuntuvat ottavan minusta vallan. Jokainen valinta on sekä oikea että väärä, jokaisessa on puolensa. Pahinta on tehdä päätös olla valitsematta! Pahinta on vain jäädä makaamaan tuleen ja odottaa jotakin tapahtuvan. En missään nimessä aio luovuttaa, niin pitkälle olen muuttunut. Mutta miten saan muutoksen jatkumaan? Vielä pelko siitä, mitä kaikki muutokset tuovat mukanaan: jatkuvia haasteita, tuntemattomia suuria haasteita. Vaatii todellista lujuutta, uhkarohkeaa uhoa hypätä vaikeudesta toiseen. Teenkö siis itselleni haastelistan? Jokaiselle viikolle uuden muutoksen, kaiken jo opitun haastavia tehtäviä..

Olen pakkomielteinen kaikkeen, jolla pääsee liikkumaan johonkin uuteen paikkaan.
 Ja miksi en olisi, onhan tämäkin kuva sanoinkuvaamattoman houkutteleva!

Olen ikionnellinen niistä valtavista virheistä, joita olen tehnyt. Ne ovat vieneet minut läpi syvimmät suot, mutta tuoneet minut tähän. Silti kokemukseni olivat liian kovia toistettavaksi, siksi minä niin kovasti välillä pelkään. Vai olisiko kuitenkin niin, että mikäli kokisin kaiken uudestaan, lapsuudesta tähän hetkeen, pelosta, kauhusta, turvattomuudesta, menetyksestä, toivottomuudesta, valottomuudesta, sairauksista ja kaipuusta, olisin nyt paljon vahvempi, menetyksen karaistama. Ehkäpä osaisin toimia nyt toisin, olisin voimallisempi, kestäisin kaiken uudelleen.

Minä ajattelen liikaa, syötän aivoihini mietteitä, jotka kehittyvät toiminnan esteiksi. Toisaalta mietin, mitä minä tässä mietin! Siitä vain suinpäin rajoja rikkomaan! Kyllä minä pystyn, kyllä minä uskallan! Vai vaadinko vain itseltäni liikaa? Eihän mikään hyvä tule valmiiksi yhdessä yössä! Malttamaton perfektionisti kohtuuttoman tunteellisessa sielussa... Onpas kerrassaan hieno yhdistelmä :D!

Totally different kind of work (part 2)

Third week doing this extreme job.. I have to say that this has been quite a challenge for me. First week went well and I was laughing most of the time. I found this whole situation quite funny and uncanny. Then the second week came and the harsh reality uncovered to me: this job takes way more than I though. The last leftovers of my positivism spirited away when I saw the thing I fear the most: a snake. My body was so tired because of exhausting work, long days, heat, bug stings and the straw that almost broke the camel's back was the snake. I just stood still terrified and my eyes started to weep. I know that in Finland snakes aren't deadly dangerous, but for some reason I just fear those creatures more than anything!

Annoyingly I was so scared that I couldn't even snap a photo. After 15 minutes I found skin of a snake...
I know they "hatch out" their skin time to time so I wasn't happy at all seeing this! 

Happily there's so much more in the nature!
I got to see some beautiful things too :)!

My body is killing me in every ways! When the second week came, my knee was so achy that I hardly could even walk. Still I continued to kill my body :D! I think it's called steadfastness or the other option is madness. It is so hard to get up when morning comes and start a new day with pile of sticking plasters and bandage. I also have some read spots in my arms because of the pesticide on the seeds and it really burns! What comes to my toes... Well, I'm sure the picture tells you enough about that one! So I'm a bit disappointed to myself because I have to admit that I haven't been as positive as I thought I would be during this experience. Time to time I have been like the biggest pessimist and that's awful! Sometimes I wondered if I'm trying to challenge myself a bit too much, but still I'm happy I'm doing this. This will increase my willpower and strength in every ways!

My hurtful legs before the work!

I'm thinking already that this will be the experience that I will remember the rest of my life! It's good to go through some different difficulties to see the world differently again! If someone would said to me couple years ago that I will go and do afforestation I would laugh my ass off! But here I am even it's hard to believe! I even think that it's quite sad to leave here, I'm so used to this by now! I got to know these people and they treat me so well, like a family member! And actually this isn't so bad after all! 

This may be the best way to go to work!
I'm not so happy but not so negative. I'm just really tired :D!

Single life

Single life, that's what I'm living. I've been single over 1,5 years (if I'm not counting couple guys I used to date awhile). It has caused a lot of work for me. Do I think it's nice to be single? Well.. In every situation there is positive and negative aspect. I think the problem is that we want those things we don't have.

First year was very hard for me. I just missed so much someone next to me. It was so hard that there weren't anyone waiting me to come home, giving me kiss goodnight, hugging when everything in life went wrong. Still I think the hardest part was creating a social safety net. I was so used to the fact that the only truly loved and trusted one was the person I was living with. So the breaking up is also the worst and the best thing that have happened to me. If that wouldn't happen I would still rely on only one person and that's not recommended at all! Now I have lovely persons in my life, more than one! You just can't have only one truly close person in your life! Anything can happen in life and still the one that takes care of you is.. you! And if I feel that I need a hug, I will get one from my friends for example :)!

About being single there are quite many awesome things. I can think it in a positive way; now I'm living a different kind of life. Now I can do things that I can't do when I'm in a relationship. I can go anywhere I want, do anything and I'm responsible only to myself. Of course I live my life in a way that doesn't hurt anyone, at least I'm doing my best. And actually, living single life is quite nice! I like my own house and my own time and space. In general people see single life too glorious. It's simply life even if you are living alone or with someone. But I respect everyone who can truly live by themselves. And also I'm doing very well nowadays!

I have noticed that people have quite much one night affairs. I'm not saying that it's good or bad thing, but the reason why people do that.. If you do that only because you feel lonely, that's quite wrong way to fix loneliness. Second thing is that you shouldn't never walk into relationship only because "you just need someone next to you". It's hard not to do those things, because we are emotional animals. The whole point is that everyone needs to learn how to enjoy those things we have at current moment. Because in every situation there is positive and negative aspect. And you won't never get this moment back again. I'm happier than ever. Why? My life isn't "better" than before, I don't have anything more. But I learnt to appreciate the things I have! I don't have much but at the same time I have more than ever! It's all about you mind, the way you choose to see things!

Moderation

I'm "black and white" - person; I take and give everything or nothing. It has caused lots of extra work in every area of my life. When I start to do something I do it almost too well, so everything takes too much time! Maybe it's called perfectionism... At times it's so hard to even start do anything because it's gonna be too laborious.

Why I'm writing about it right now? Well.. My little brother and his girlfriend visited my house and I really enjoyed it, I just love them so much! So I decided to  bake some bread for breakfast. As you know I live alone, so I don't need enormous amount of food. Nevertheless I started to bake quite many of bread rolls. After two hours of baking I had seven baking trays of rolls and still over half of the pastry left. I got the picture that I had overreact badly. We ate many of those but still I have hundred rolls left. I baked almost four hours and after two hours I started to laugh like crazy. I mean what am I gonna do with so many of bread rolls!? I just got so enthusiastic because I have free weekend, I traveled home to Jyväskylä and spend some time with my little brother who lives quite far away. Maybe I should find a way to decrease my black and white feature :D!

If someone lives near to city of Jyväskylä, you are welcome to visit my house and eat some bread rolls :D!