The True Story Begins (in English)

Couple of you have asked me to tell what have happened to me in my "previous" life.. I wrote the first text about it (or something little about it), but it's in Finnish. No I'm doing it again, this time in English and I'll tell a little more, I'll tell about the real things that happened to me... Still, I don't mean to hurt anyone, so there's quite much things I'm not able to tell. I also have to add that I don't think that it's truly meaningful what happened to me. The most important part is what it has done to me, what I have become.

So, I'm a young woman, one among the millions of people. Maybe my story is quite common; More or less hard childhood, alcohol issues in our family. The pain coming from there hit hard to my face at the beginning of the puberty. When I'm trying to go back into that time, all I can remember is the harrowing pain, dark endless road. I started to have fever when I was 14-years old. There weren't any medical reason for that, just fever that went on and on and on. Some doctor said to me that I have burn out, but no one believed it so nothing changed. I tried to be so good in everything (I thought it would make our family life easier and effect in alcoholism) but I was so tired, afraid, broken and alone. My saver after years of pain was safe, strong and stable boyfriend, who made me believe that I'm worth of love. He proposed me after three years of being together. We lived together in Tampere. He was everything to me, I was dependent, I was nothing without him. I was so afraid of losing the only thing that mattered to me. At the same time I was still so broke and I couldn't understand why.


We were together total five years. Six months before break up I moved to another city for studying.  Mostly I just had to get away from my life, which hadn't never felt my own - so moving to Jyväskylä was suppose to be my new rescue, escape from the pain. So I moved.. And then I felt like flying! I didn't need anything or anyone, I was strong, needed, loved, true person. And that was the worst and the best thing ever happened to me; breaking up. First time of my life I felt truly alive! And I didn't need my addiction (ex-fiance) to tell me that I'm worth of something. HOW NAIVE! Well.. One month passed by, I was again working too much as I have always done. I got tired, I got lost, I was all alone, I panicked. I was nothing! Then I realized how horrible wrong I had done! I went back to my ex-fiance, I was so so so sorry, I begged him to forget me my mistakes. But I knew I broke him too. He just cried... There were nothing else he could do. He told me there weren't anyone else. There was one girl, but it was just one night thing. He said he needs some time, and I gave it to him. "How much time?" He didn't know.


Went one month, went another. Then he came to me and said that he wants to have me in his life, lets try it. And we did. He sat in my parents house during the Christmas holidays and no one knew there were any troubles going on in our relationship. Funny! We just didn't tell it. It was just like old times. But I knew something was wrong, I felt it. He didn't look at me at the way he used to. I asked about millions times, but he said "nothings wrong". Couple more months went by. I couldn't stand the coldness in him. He didn't answer to my calls, he didn't come to see me. And one day I had enough! I said I don't want to have him in my life anymore, it's too painful. And then he told me the truth... He told me he is going to be dad... To who? To the lady he had slept with once... Or that's what he told me. My whole world stopped right there. I have never felt that kind of feeling, I can't even describe that. Everything around me stopped, there weren't anything, only the pain in my chest. There weren't time or space, only pain. He said he don't know what to do, but the lady was 3,5 months pregnant. He needs to think things through by himself. We wen't to sleep but I just cried and shaked all night and he held me in his arms. In the morning he left, and I cried over 3 weeks in a row. This was the turning point in my relationship with my mother. I called her because there wasn't anything! I was so afraid, but I felt that I just don't have anything to loose anymore. And my mother, she was amazing! So understanding. She called me everyday to make sure that I had been eating..


Weeks went by, he didn't know what to do, he couldn't decide. But he just couldn't let me go. And I couldn't stand the idea that he would not be a father to a child. I knew I could not live with that. But he didn't listen to me, he was so lost. I almost gave up. I couldn't sleep, eat, go to school, go to work, move, read, watch television, listen to music. I just cried or stared to the ceiling. The pain was unbearable. The school I went was a bit different. We had our own company and we did every studies by working in it. I gave everything to it, but when all the drama in my life started I was powerless, I didn't have strength to do anything. Our company coach (teacher) said to me, I have to take sick leave for three weeks. We agreed about it and our company members agreed about that too. They said "take your time", "you can come back and well take you back with open arms". So I took the trip to Azores all by myself to clear my head. It was the hardest thing to do. I cried first five days during that trip. But I also found the beauty from the nature, I got stronger. During that trip my "ex" called me (hi didn't know I'm on that trip). The lady that was pregnant had miscarriage and he wanted to fix our relationship. The reaction was the same than when I heard about the pregnancy... I was in a shock.


I came back to Finland, didn't know what to think. But I was much stronger! I wanted to work again, go to school. Actually, I was a bit excited. The worst darkness was over. I had the strength to go to store, to school, to was my hair. So my ex and I, we decided to try again. And I went to school. But when I went to school, all I got was another bomb! They had decided during my sick leave that they will kick me out of the company. That was so big shock to me! I couldn't say anything. I acted like a cool, but as soon as I got out of the building I collapsed. I jumped on a train and traveled to my ex house. The only thing I could think was "What Am I Gonna Do Know?!". I asked, If I should move back to Tampere, he didn't say anything. Then I realized it... He just couldn't be with me, I couldn't go to school anymore, I didn't had anything! AGAIN! I felt so worthless piece of shit. I didn't have money, I didn't have job, I was in a strange city with nothing. All my friends had back-stabbed me, there wasn't anyone! Couple weeks went in a mist. I can't remember anything from that period. Then I got the job in a candy factory. I was so tired but at the same time I knew I don't have any options left. I forced myself to work every day. Endless darkness. Then my cousin died (he was only a little over 30 years old) because of cancer. It took one year and he was gone. Everything happened during the same year.


End of summer I watched over my ex sisters house and my ex wanted to come there with me. He had said to me that he wants to be with me but he needs time to heal his wounds. He told me every time that he doesn't have anyone else. We went to bed to sleep and I couldn't sleep. I took his phone and went outside. I read all his messages. He had lied to me and to other women almost one year. The lady that was pregnant.. They had dated almost a year. He was with my family the whole Christmas, and texted to that lady at the same time. He came to my home, hi made love with me countless times, told me how much he loves me and that he wants to be with me. And that other lady.. She didn't know anything about me. So my ex lied almost a year to both of us. I sat outside for three hours reading all the lies he had told me, all the lies he was telling to the other lady. I shaked three hours. I couldn't believe it! How could he!? When I asked about it, he lied again, straight to my face. I just hoped that he would have told the truth. After two weeks I told him that I know everything. He didn't say anything. The other lady still doesn't know anything. I have seen my ex time to time and the other lady doesn't know anything... I wanted to tell her, but I decided that it's not my thing to do, it's not my business. I don't want to hurt my ex even he broke my heart. I hope he won't ever know how badly, 'cause it would kill him. Of course I hate him, of course I can't believe everything that have happened. But I'm just trying to understand. I'm trying to think that I'm still worth of love and desirable. I'm trying so hard to think that it's not about me, it's not that I wasn't good enough.. Yes, I'm trying very hard. And still, I don't want to hurt him! End of that summer my father found Jesus and stopped drinking... Miracles happens!

This is the short version about what have happened to me during the most horrible 1,5 years in my life. I'm n ot sure what effected the most in my; my childhood, extremely low self esteem, breaking up, lying, waiting for one year, kicking out from our company, my friends turning their backs at me, my cousin cancer and dying, hopeless, money trouble. But step by step I got better. Still there is lots to do, I'm still a bit broken human being, but I'm alive! I'm going school, working, having friends, sometimes even dating, I believe in life, future, in me and in every others! There isn't darkness that is endless.. Everything in life goes with pares, like darkness and light. Every storm comes with the sunshine. Just DON'T GIVE UP!

The secret to you

When I had the hardest time in my life, when there wasn't any hope or any light, when I felt I have nothing left... I found this video. First I cried like crazy, then I felt a warm feeling inside of me. I watched this video about 20 times in a row. And what I did... I decided that I want to feel like that, I want to see the world like that, I want to make a change in my life! I watched this video over and over again, every morning. So every day I started over again. It was releasing, cause if last day was going all wrong, I could start again, everyday. It truly is how you see the world, how you choose to see it. It's not easy, not at all. But you can collect things around you that makes this videos kinds of feelings stronger.

Life isn't easy. It's all about ups and downs. Today my mother said to me something that made me remember how hard it was some times ago (I have to add here, that me and my mother.. we weren't that close, she didn't know much about me or my life before my hardest time when I had to rely on her 'cause there weren't anything else left, and I'm so grateful about that, we got a whole new beginning for our relationship): "I remember how you felt.. I didn't truly understand or know what you felt but I remember it.. There wasn't anything for you, not a single reason to do anything, not any strength left. You didn't have the strength to go to market to buy food or going to shower to wash your hair. You didn't have any light in your life, anything to look forward in the future. I remember it too well. But now it's hard to even imagine that there was such time. To others it must be so powering to know that there is a escape from so deep endless darkness. You are full of life light!" At that moment I realized again how amazing my life is, even there isn't anything special... The life itself is amazing, so big opportunity, so big gift!

I think that the secret to you is your life! It's all about understanding how amazing life is, how all the little things are amazing! This isn't about daily ups and downs, it's about everything, the big picture! Of course it includes the daily faced things... But I think it's something more. It's the whole journey. The thing is that the little things makes the big journey :)! Think big enough, think small enough, find the secret in you - And you'll be free!

I'm on my way to the new adventure... to ARGENTINA!

It's starting to get real... I've been a bit afraid about talking this trip, only because if it wouldn't come true. But now it's real! I bought my flights :)! I can't remember when I was this excited! 5 months in a new city, big city Buenos Aires. It's going to be totally different world! I can't wait to get there! I have been working so much to collect the money for the staying there, but I did it! Couple years ago I wouldn't even think about leaving Finland, now it's the best thing in my life! I will be studying in UADE (Universidad Argentina de la Empresa) and it's going to be all about Latin American markets.

It feels like this is a whole new beginning for me again! I will learn so much about the culture and hopefully something about language too. I started to study Spanish two months ago, so I won't know much about it before leaving. But even little is more than nothing I guess :D! I hope I will find many new things about myself and get more courage so I could do almost anything after coming back there. At least I would have that feeling.

I found some awesome pics from google... I'm pretty sure I will enjoy my staying there :)!

Now I know why I've had to let go so many things in life, why I've been in so many storms. This life doesn't go in a way I've planned, not at all. But that's not the point! It's never about the beginning or the end! Think about all the stories you know; it's all about what happens between beginning and end. I know now, that if I don't write my own story, someone else will do it for me, that's for sure! I can't write anything completely ready for the coming years, but I can write my story by the choices I make in life. Those makes my story complete. And now I know that I want to write it by myself! This is it! This moment is our lives! All the pain really was worth it! I feel so alive! Dreams really comes true, you just have to believe and make an effort!

Is there something wrong about me or the way I write..?

I've been wondering about writing.. I've always been writing a lot, but in Finnish of course. I wanted to do something different, improve my English and also find a way to write differently than before. It's so much easier for me to write in English with a certain type of atmosphere, that type that I want to have in my texts. Still I know I probably have quite many spelling missteps here but in turn I'm confident that it will decrease over time.

The point of writing a blog is that someone would get something out of that. For different people it can be completely different things. I was thinking couple days ago, that if no-one writes any comments there can't be anyone reading my texts. That means that no-one gets nothing out of my writings. First it made me quite sad, but then I realized that I have some kind of settings on; you have to be in google+ to comment my posts. I was so  relieved, because I just changed the settings and know anyone can write a comment. Interaction is one of the most important things in learning, that's why we need each others. I truly want to learn about people, about life. But I won't be able to do it by myself. And if my writings aren't good at all, that's quite important feedback too :)

This is a good lesson for me! It's too easy to think "I'm not worth something, I'm not good enough". The hard and challenging part is to think the other way round or continue doing the things you do even you would feel like you don't know anything, that you are the worst in the whole world. Just don't give up and keep your head up high! Remember to smile and someone is going to smile back at you!

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Do something you love

I remember everyone saying: You should do something you love. For a year ago I still didn't know what I love to do or even like. I knew that I should do those kinds of things in order to feel good, but I just didn't know what those things could be. I knew I love riding, but it was the only thing and also too expensive for student budget. Then I found some people who knows places where to ride for free, but you have to control the horse by yourself and do some work int the stable too. I was a bit scared at first because I had ridden about six years ago. But when I got on a horse I felt like being in heaven! I knew exactly what to do. It felt so natural and relaxing, like being part of the nature.

For me riding is the most relaxing thing in the whole world!
I can't describe the feeling I got from it, but it's worth more than a huge heap of money!

The point is that you have to do thing you like, for yourself. I have to find more those things, cheap things! I didn't have opportunity to think what I want to do, because I was living my life against my nature. I was so busy with the work and studies. Oh, I just hated it! It wasn't my life! But I know that no-one else could have been able to change it, I had to do it by myself. Same thing here. You can start by doing something small. I don't know why but couple years ago I didn't have that courage, so even if I would have known about this free opportunity to ride, I wouldn't have used it. I'am full of excuses as almost everyone of us. We have multiple reasons why we don't change the way we live. Only thing we can do is moan. That's not life! We are here for doing things, experiences. Not everything can be nice, positive, fun, but those hard experiences teaches you so much, but only if you want to learn something from those too.

Rainy days..

These are the days when you are allowed to just chill out. You can do whatever you want or just be by yourself, do nothing. When I was a child I was allowed to watch one Disney movie with my sisters on a rainy day. I loved that! Sometimes I still do that. It is really relaxing and it helps to clear the head.  

These are the days when you can think your life over. Every negative thing in your life doesn't just go away, some of them requires time and thinking through. It may be painful but extremely helpful on a long run. What goes around comes around, and that's the unfortunate truth. 

These are the days when you can give time to things you would like to wash away with the rain. And in the end you just let them go with the rain. When the rain stops, you can feel clear, purified human being as the nature is after rain. Remember, there must be sunshine after the rain. During the darkest times just believe in that!

Time for a laugh!

This is the result of a challenging school work. It almost went too serious, too stressful.. But then, this happened, out of the blue, without any good reason. After this "breakdown" we continued working. And I have to say that it went much easier and smoother.

So DO NOT forget to laugh everyday! I can't say how important it is... It's just so important! Growing up, getting old or older, being adult, plausible and responsible doesn't mean you have to get serious and straight-faced. Look around, all the little people you can see; they are smiling, crying, laughing, screaming... That's true life! I have to thank my dear and priceless friend Sonja, who gave me this moment with a big laugh! And this wasn't the first time :)!

Another monday

I'm trying some very well known gimmicks 

to start my week in a empowering way. 

Waking up early seems to be a real challenge for me.
I know I would feel so much better if I would just force myself to 
wake up earlier and start the day by doing some sports. 


Well, today I DID! And if I'm being honest with you, I didn't enjoy that at all!
I was so tired! But then, after light jogging I felt weird satisfaction and
it just grew minute by minute.

We are meant to be close to the nature, outdoors. That's how people lived hundreds of years a go. I can notice that from my feelings after being a part of nature, after going around in the wild. We are part of the nature, we should connect to it. And the nature, how beautiful it is!! Amazing! The forest and the landscape I was walking around is just breathtaking! That one you can see from the pic I took. 

I'm trying to watch my eating habits.. Reasons are that I wanna be healthy and I wan't to stay moderately good shape, which isn't easy! After jogging I felt so good and my appetite seemed to be healthy too: I wanted to eat quite much but the right things, not any junk food. Nice feeling :)!

I can't describe that feeling, you have to experience that by yourself! 

 For me the hardest part is to enjoy! I'm always in a hurry.. I tried this new thing.. I had to sit down and eat VERY SLOWLY. No computer, cellphone, clock, newspaper, just music, food and me. Very slowly.. This was a whole new experience for me. First it felt stupid, but then I started to feel the peace taking control of my body and mind. Unknown feeling in the morning! It just took some patience.

Happy day

The question is:  

"What are you gonna do for the rest of your life?!?"

Do you wanna be happy?

 

Quite good way to start the day :D!

Few years ago I hated everyone who said that it's up to you to feel good, to be happy. But now I just have to agree. Would it make some harm to you if you really try to be happy in a healthy way. I've had awesome flow during the past week, the ride has been so joyful that it's even hard to understand. Did something big happen? Not really... Some good things of course but nothing so huge that could explain my extremely awesome feeling. I'm finding so many lovely things around me, the little ones. The most important thing is the ability to search and see those thing: those really does exist! Don't give power to lemon! 

You have to try to be happy, it doesn't come without work at first. And the truth is that good things happens to optimism more often than to pessimism... What can we conclude from that? Well, you decide the way of thinking, you decide what you see around you. And if you see good things, good things will finally come to you, surround you. 

It's not about the way you have lived before, it's about how you decide to live for now on! I made the change! I wish you could know what I was like before... The change is huge! But that's why I'm talking about this, because if you aren't happy, you NEED TO KNOW that you can be! But you have to make the change, you have to find the strength! And remember, we all have it in ourselves! It doesn't matter what you try, JUST TRY!

Always feel free to be yourself

It's the fact that we have quite many faces; different at work or at school, with friends and family, in relationship or when being alone. I think we have to have different roles in our life, it makes communication easier and natural. Sometimes I feel there is only fine line between masks and roles. Even we have many roles, it doesn't mean you can't be who you are. The most releasing feeling is just to be you, and it's extremely important! It makes everything so easy and then meeting people (new or known) gives a big pleasure in life.

This is my little brother. He is one of a kind :D! He knows how to be himself in every cases. It doesn't matter what you do, do it with your heart. Do it proudly, do it with passion, do it in your way! This video is a good example how to do things in a way YOU enjoy it. Crazy little man full of courage. I just love to watch him grow, every year stronger and bigger need to express himself, to be who he really is. And that boy never tries to be something else. Even his quite young, he is a true role model in this case. So enjoy the video :)!

New beginning :)

So, it has been crazy lately, surprising :D! Today is the day when everything starts over again, I have opportunity for new beginning... The day is my birthday! This year I feel this day a whole different than last ones. I'm not sure why. Maybe I have had so many changes during the past year that now I feel I can do anything, I can decide to start some things in life all over again, and I mean it in a good way.

So what would I change? Fear, the little monster inside me. It is the only thing that can stop me doing the things I wanna do. But still, I just need to be determined to ignore the fear. I would also take off every prejudice that has grown on me during the past years. Skepticism is the one thing I could just throw into the flames, there's no use for that one! Then the biggest one: self-criticism... That one.. Well, I just want to forget that word even does exist. When I take those off me, I have every keys in my hand, everything! So, this is the new beginning, this is the new start again. It's nice to make/have new beginnings, those makes everything possible :)!  

I'm just feeling so damn good today! I have flu, but it really doesn't bother me at all! Today is the day when I just love being alive, love living life, love everything in my life and I refuse to notice the bad things! I deserve it, so do you :)!

Experiential Day Off

I think I really deserved one day off after a crazy period of work! So this is how I spent my day with my siblings :D! I have to say that it was truly experiential day :D! I recommend this to everyone! It really is worth of trying! 

For me it was quite challenging because I'm extremely afraid of heights.. So can you imagine me hanging in trees over 20 meters above the ground.. Well, I shout like a little girl! But I did it, and it was amazing. And after three hours of jumping in woods I was extremely tired but also extremely relaxed. I didn't feel any stress. Just pain in my muscles and so relaxed. There were times when I was just shaking because I was so scared! But I felt like a hero, the ultimate winner after I realized that I just won one of my biggest fear! So do it, try it! What ever it is you are afraid, you can do it! But it really isn't easy! 

Perseverance is rewarded :)! 

That is also very good guideline in life! Without it it's almost impossible to achieve anything.

Running running running...

I'm so sad that I haven't had enough time to write lately.. But the truth is that I haven't had time to even sleep.. I feel like I'm running all the time! And now I've reached the point where I'm just way too tired to do anything. So one weekend for work and then I'm finally free for the whole week! This is quite good lesson for me: always remember to take time for yourself! Challenging? For sure!

Moving again!

I'm starting to think that I have something wrong in my head :D! During the last five years I have changed apartment six times... But during the past year this is my third move! Maybe I'm way too restless! This is also very good financial decision but still! I get so easily bored! It's actually quite scary.. But I'm not gonna get into that right now. The funny thing is that every time I move into a new apartment it's not as good as the last one! So I'm changing my living conditions to worse every time! I'm pretty sure that's not the usual development of life!

Now I'm moving into a shared apartment for the first time. One year ago I though I could never move into a apartment where I have to share the living space! And now I'm gonna have only one room that's completely mine. And I'm really looking forward to it! It's gonna be challenging for me but in the good way! I have to loose control even more.

Hmm... Why was this  bunching back in women's toilet? I think it is for women as restless as me :D!
But this was quite fun actually! Good tip to every restaurant and bar owners ;P!

Sometimes I'm almost laughing because the way I live my life, always challenging! And if I don't have some challenging happening in my life I'm questioning the whole life of mine... I'm very curious where I'm gonna lead myself... Because when I do the challenging decision I don't have any idea where it's gonna take me! But I'm just daring.. I hope it wont bring sanity in my head!

I need Something more

I've been extremely busy lately. I've traveled a lot, running half of the time, I haven't even slept enough! It's funny that every time I change the place it's strangely pleasing feeling but at the same time it's hard that I can't settle down even a little! It's always me and my suitcase! But it's the only way I can feel environment changing enough, only way to keep life going as an interesting journey. Still I don't feel it's enough..

I don't have any clue what i'm trying to reach, what is the thing I need, the thing that I miss. Only thing I know is that I'm way too restless. I'm just running all the time, trying to make myself feel all the good things that life can give. Still I don't get enough anything. So is it the human nature that always wants more, insatiable urge to feel and live bigger. Always more more more more.. But for me it isn't about greed. It's simply restlessness. Even though I have to admit that I ask too much from myself almost in every matter and maybe from others, especially in the case of men.

I took this picture during my trip to Oslo, Norway. I think this shows the nature of human beings; we always want bigger, always more, but we just can't do those big things without each other. Always more, more, more..

If my restlessness proceed from incomplete soul, only the half heart of mine, why do I reject even the idea of relationship? It can't be that! I don't even want a relationship right now, it just isn't possible! And I have had this feeling so many years, not only during my single period! So what is it? I sit on the train at this very moment.. When I waited train to leave, I looked around me, all those regular buildings, regular people with regular lives. I felt a bit jealousy because I realized that I might never fit in that kind of life, I might never settle down. It would be so much easier! But when I think about "regular life" I feel instantly sick. I just need something more... 

It's gonna be a hard road, road of pain and heartache but at the same time the road of adventure and amazing experiences.. At least I hope so! But I believe in natural balance in the world: balance of good and evil. There's no bad without good and the other way round. So if I experience all the bad things there has to bee something good waiting for me on the future! And I can always choose to see the good things!          

Deathly Dating

I've been avoiding this subject.. Why? Well, it is after all quite sensitive subject. I feel like this single world with all the rules is completely strange to me. I don't know how to play the game of love and actually I don't even want to learn it! At the same time you should be yourself but still not to reveal what's inside you... Excuse me?!? Should that make any sense? Well, for me it doesn't!

Bring it on I say, I'm ready for anything! This pic tells everything I feel about dating and relationships..
It really sucks but still I'm gonna take the ride, hard one as you can see ;D!

I've been wondering about the first impression.. One man said some time ago to me that I look and sound like fucking confident woman. I wasn't so sure if that is compliment, I doubt that! Many other has said to me that I look so strong and confident woman who knows what she wants.. Maybe some part of that is true, but most of the time I really don't feel like that! And what comes on dating; I'm just like poor child... So fucking confident isn't what I feel like, not at all!

Dating, deathly dating. Why do I call it like that? Well, I think dating really is deathly! Maybe it comes quite far away, somewhere deep inside me. First of all, I'm extremely afraid of falling in love! And falling in love REALLY is deathly! Okay, maybe I'm a bit too radical here: falling in love is also the best and the worst thing that can happen. The hardest part in dating is that there is a risk of falling in love. And every time there is also a risk of getting hurt, getting killed. So how can anyone say that I'm confident if I'm scared like hell something called love? And do I have courage to open myself to it? I doubt that one too!

I have dated 3 men during my single period. The funny thing is that they look, act and speak completely opposite than my ex did. And none of them are completely Finnish. They were so different! That is also so exiting but at the same time so scary, so strange. I've been quite confused and I don't have any idea how to handle that kind of men... The last one, he was totally mystery to me, even though he was very similar person than I am. And he, he was the one who broke the first protective wall of mine. He was so persistent! It took couple months, he worked so hard, but at the end he kind of won me, at least my trust. But then.. When he got me, he disappeared without an explanation. Typical man :D! So can you imagine how confident I was back then? 

It doesn't take forever to become attached to someone. It really takes courage to let someone into your life, into your heart. But the truth is that everyone leaves, if not at this moment then the other. Everyone leaves someday, it's the natural law. So it really takes courage, you have to be crazy to do that, you have to dare yourself into a deathly game, game of love! Still I think it's worth of risk. I'm not sure when I'm ready to take that risk again, but it really is worth it! And if I have to find something good in that kind of experiences.. Well, now I know I can fall for someone, I still can trust if I want so! And I can let someone in my life, in my heart if I really want it (even it scares the shit out of me sometimes)!  So do it! Because we are the ones who can make you love again ;)! 

This song is dedicated to everyone who knows what love is and most importantly to those who knows what is deathly relationship, deathly heartache! And still you give the change to someone else because the power of love is just too strong to let go! So make each others love, let yourself to feel love (it doesn't end badly every time, at least I hope so... Maybe I'll do that too, someday.. ;P)!

Too many makeovers :D

You know that it's very common that especially ladies changes their looks when something big happens in life. I'm not exception on that one! The bigger change in life the bigger change in the way you look.. And I have to say that it's good way to regenerate; I don't feel that I'm the same person than in those first pictures because the change was so big! And that means that I'm living different life, I'm different person and I don't need to think those things I did wrong or miss the old days... Because I don't! I wanna be this person with this style with this life, right here right now! I looked old pics and found so many different looks! I'm sharing couple of those, but there is so much more than just these ones. Maybe these tells a story about past 5 years of my life.

So first I had a long blond hair and the hair was all mine, not extension. I wanted to have nice long hair when getting married and that's the reason why I didn't cut them. I was some sort of a princess. This period lasted over four years.

This was quite big change. I broke up and moved to a different city. Then I felt that I need the whole new me so I wouldn't remind myself of a life I used to live with my fiance. And this happened :D! And it was totally impulsive move! I just walked in to barbershop and said "I want to cut my hair off and color it black.." Barber were shocked and couldn't say anything.

This one is mystery even for me! I have no idea what I was thinking! I mean I colored my hear into mix of yellow, orange, red and blonde.. Well, this didn't last more than couple months and I'm so happy for that!

Then the latest one.. It started with gradient and I have no idea where it's going! But all I know is that my look is changing still! I don't wear clothes I used to and if I see something I used to wear it makes me feel sick! But I'm pretty sure that I don't need to do any radical changes in my look anymore..

Suitcase Life

I've been on the road quite much during the past months. During the past two months I've been at home complete 10 days... Today I'm leaving again and I will spend 2,5 weeks in 4 different cities working like crazy. For some reason I feel so restless if I'm staying "too long" in one place. I'm not sure where that feeling comes from and will it ever fade away. Sometimes I feel too strong need to do something way too radical but luckily I haven't done anything too crazy so far. Even though I'm not even sure would that be a bad thing..

The feeling is so strong that I'm afraid of myself and the things I would do to satisfy that feeling. Well, one year ago I booked a trip to Azores by myself only four days before flights on the spur of the moment: I think it was really good decision but maybe a little crazy. Sometimes I feel that I should be more careful but in turn then I wouldn't do anything different. Last weekend I went to a strange city to a strange house and spend the whole weekend there. I knew one person but no one else, not even the one that owns the house I stayed. And I have to say I just loved it! I had so much fun, met punch of new people, slept way too little and laughed more than my body could handle. That reminded me how lucky I am with everything in my life and how I have made just the right decisions in my life even though it hasn't been easy! At the end of the day that's all that matters! So you just have to take risks to reach something in life, even those little things.

Last summer I lived 3 months in a quite interesting cottage. During that time I didn't do much more than spend time at home and at work. And what happened?! Well, my stuff were covered with mildew after 3 months... After that I moved away immediately and decided that I won't stay that long in one place at least for next 5 years!

Superficiality takes over the world

I'm not sure if I have rights to write about this subject. I have quite superficiality side too, like many of us have. I enjoy beautiful things like clothes, makeup, high heels, accessories, worked out bodies and all those not so meaningful things. Still there are times when I'm just so taken aback because of the things in this world. Can't we concentrate on the important things anymore? I feel that everything for example magazines, media, music, TV programs, ads etc tells a story about fake life! What about all the real things? What is this world gonna be like after 50 years? More material, more fake things, more negligible worries? What about children who are growing into the world with this set of values?

Time to time I stop everything I do, forgetting every superficial things, concentrating only into things that matters in life. Sometimes I'm a bit worried how hard it is even for me! If too long time goes by only with unimportant things, it's hard not to think about those! Nowadays I have a notebook and pencil with me no matter where I go. It helps me to see things in the world and concentrate on things that has nothing to do with me, then I can forget my own small life with meaningless worries.

I wonder if people can even talk about real things anymore.. can we? Sometimes it's so easy to talk about the things that doesn't matter at all, and I'm sure it's good to talk about those kind of things too. But what if it will change the way we think. What if after years of unimportant things we can't think anything else anymore?

sincerity and honesty

When I was a teenager I used to be a big liar and I'm not proud of that! One day, years ago I just decided that I'm not gonna lie anymore! Thank god I don't even know how to tell big lies anymore! But I remember the time when I did.. It was continuing vicious circle and the more I lied the harder it was to tell the truth in any factual connection. Telling a lie is one of the most hurtful things. I understood that I need to respect others at least that much that I tell the truth to them!

Now when I'm going forward as a honest person I experience other peoples lies extremely hurtful and degrading. If I would have known how bad it can make other person feel, I wouldn't never lie! What is the reason that makes people hurt each others? I mean what is wrong with us? I think we are living here together and we should pull together to survive. Why can't we see that? Maybe we are just so big cowards that we are too scared to accept responsibility from our own actions. It's so much easier (on the short run) to make lies or not to tell the truth, not to be responsible and fair. But trust me, on the long run it will destroy you!   

What I love about animals is that they are always sincere and honest! The same thing is with babies, they don't know how to lie yet. Dogs always show their feelings through their eyes and behavior. And I truly believe they have true feelings! Why can't people be like them? Why don't we want to be like they are; true honest living creatures!

As we know lying effects on health strongly. So isn't that quite good reason to seek the truthful life? I think it is. When you are honest you feel a whole person, you are more complete. And helping others, treat others like you want them to treat you, it just feels amazing! Never give up on people, there are some many good persons in the world. And always give second change; anyone CAN change!

Quite comical incident

It was so nice sunny summer day that I decided to go and play beach volley with my sister and her boyfriend. We went to a nice beach and noticed that there were a group of men already playing. We asked if we can join them and so we all played together. I have gained weight a little during the winter. I have only one pair of sport shorts so I had to put them on by force. I though I don't need underpants because my shorts are almost like bikini briefs. Also they fitted better without underpants. So I went to the beach only wearing shorts, sports bra and a top.

We started to play and it was so nice! I love beach volley! Suddenly I heard awful sound, sound of rupture. At that moment I knew that my shorts weren't so "safe to wear" anymore. I felt the wind in a totally wrong part of my body! I was terrified because I didn't know how badly my shorts ripped. I couldn't move anymore cause I wasn't sure what parts would be revealed. I asked if my sister or her boyfriend would have another pare of some kind of pants but no, they didn't have any kind of clothes besides the ones they were wearing. But at least they laughed their ass off. At that moment I didn't laugh at all! My only option was to modify my top into a skirt. And then I was almost free to move and play again. I just had to make sure that my "skirt" stays down! I'm pretty sure no one noticed my short episode, at least I hope so :D! What I learnt is "always wear underpants"! Next day I was wearing two pairs of briefs :D!

Muutoksen luoma pelko

Ajattelen, puhun ja kirjoitan muutoksesta, suuresta muutoksesta. Välillä kuitenkin huomaan, että ympärilläni olevat asiat ajavat minua vääjäämättä kohti entistä, kohti sitä, josta niin kovasti taistelen pois. Tämä kulttuurikin rajoittaa minua, tapa toimia, normaalin elämän määritelmä, odotukset siitä miten minun tulisi elää, mitä tulisi tehdä. Olen täysin vakuuttunut siitä, että lähes kaikki todella on itsestä kiinni, omista ajatuksista, omista näkökulmista, omasta uskosta. Välillä sen tuoma vastuu vaikuttaa minuun liian raskaasti; miksi en sitten tee enemmän toisin, muutu lisää, muuta kaikkea. Tai entä jos vuosia toistetut kaavat palaavat elämääni takaisin? Kyllä kaikki on toisin, kaikki on muuttunut. Silti havaitsen sisäisen vapisevan ja pelokkaan lapsen nostavan aika-ajoin päätään, yrittäen tunkeutua takaisin elämääni.

Mikä minusta tekee niin pelokkaan? Ihminen luontaisesti pelkää muutosta, suurta tuntematonta. Minä hakeudun siihen, ainakin niin on tarkoitukseni. Nyt kun istun yksin parvekkeellani mietin, yritänkö tarpeeksi kovaa, hakeudunko tosiaan muutokseen? Miksi minusta tuntuu toisin, mikäli niin toimisin? Muutos... Onkohan kuitenkin niin, että jo olemassa olevasta on liian vaikea luopua ottaakseen vastaan jotakin tuntematonta. Pelko pohjautuu ajatuksesta, että entä jos saankin tilalle jotakin paljon pahempaa. Ristiriidat uuden ja vanhan minuuden välillä tuntuvat olevan todella haastavia ratkoa; voittavatko ennakkoluulot, sisäiset toimintamallit, kasvatuksesta opitut käytösmallit vai voinko tosiaan murtaa kaiken, hypätä tuntemattomaan yhä uudestaan ja uudestaan?

Vaikeinta on kantaa vastuu päätöksistään, kulkea niiden kanssa pää pystyssä, olla uskollinen itselleen. Vaikeinta on olla ylpeä itsestään, tyytyväinen jopa kaikkii virheisiin joita on tehnyt ja kaikkiin virheisiin joita tulee tekemään. Mutta eivätkö juuri ne ole niitä asioita, jotka opettavat eniten, haastavat ja kasvattavat ihmisenä? Eikö juuri niistä tulisi olla ylpeä!? Kuinka luontaisesti ajatus "voi kumpa olisin toiminut toisin.." syöksyy mieleen yhä uudelleen ja uudelleen. Vaikka tiedän tuon kaiken olevan vain pelon puolustautumista, silti nuo kaikki ajatukset tuntuvat ottavan minusta vallan. Jokainen valinta on sekä oikea että väärä, jokaisessa on puolensa. Pahinta on tehdä päätös olla valitsematta! Pahinta on vain jäädä makaamaan tuleen ja odottaa jotakin tapahtuvan. En missään nimessä aio luovuttaa, niin pitkälle olen muuttunut. Mutta miten saan muutoksen jatkumaan? Vielä pelko siitä, mitä kaikki muutokset tuovat mukanaan: jatkuvia haasteita, tuntemattomia suuria haasteita. Vaatii todellista lujuutta, uhkarohkeaa uhoa hypätä vaikeudesta toiseen. Teenkö siis itselleni haastelistan? Jokaiselle viikolle uuden muutoksen, kaiken jo opitun haastavia tehtäviä..

Olen pakkomielteinen kaikkeen, jolla pääsee liikkumaan johonkin uuteen paikkaan.
 Ja miksi en olisi, onhan tämäkin kuva sanoinkuvaamattoman houkutteleva!

Olen ikionnellinen niistä valtavista virheistä, joita olen tehnyt. Ne ovat vieneet minut läpi syvimmät suot, mutta tuoneet minut tähän. Silti kokemukseni olivat liian kovia toistettavaksi, siksi minä niin kovasti välillä pelkään. Vai olisiko kuitenkin niin, että mikäli kokisin kaiken uudestaan, lapsuudesta tähän hetkeen, pelosta, kauhusta, turvattomuudesta, menetyksestä, toivottomuudesta, valottomuudesta, sairauksista ja kaipuusta, olisin nyt paljon vahvempi, menetyksen karaistama. Ehkäpä osaisin toimia nyt toisin, olisin voimallisempi, kestäisin kaiken uudelleen.

Minä ajattelen liikaa, syötän aivoihini mietteitä, jotka kehittyvät toiminnan esteiksi. Toisaalta mietin, mitä minä tässä mietin! Siitä vain suinpäin rajoja rikkomaan! Kyllä minä pystyn, kyllä minä uskallan! Vai vaadinko vain itseltäni liikaa? Eihän mikään hyvä tule valmiiksi yhdessä yössä! Malttamaton perfektionisti kohtuuttoman tunteellisessa sielussa... Onpas kerrassaan hieno yhdistelmä :D!

Totally different kind of work (part 2)

Third week doing this extreme job.. I have to say that this has been quite a challenge for me. First week went well and I was laughing most of the time. I found this whole situation quite funny and uncanny. Then the second week came and the harsh reality uncovered to me: this job takes way more than I though. The last leftovers of my positivism spirited away when I saw the thing I fear the most: a snake. My body was so tired because of exhausting work, long days, heat, bug stings and the straw that almost broke the camel's back was the snake. I just stood still terrified and my eyes started to weep. I know that in Finland snakes aren't deadly dangerous, but for some reason I just fear those creatures more than anything!

Annoyingly I was so scared that I couldn't even snap a photo. After 15 minutes I found skin of a snake...
I know they "hatch out" their skin time to time so I wasn't happy at all seeing this! 

Happily there's so much more in the nature!
I got to see some beautiful things too :)!

My body is killing me in every ways! When the second week came, my knee was so achy that I hardly could even walk. Still I continued to kill my body :D! I think it's called steadfastness or the other option is madness. It is so hard to get up when morning comes and start a new day with pile of sticking plasters and bandage. I also have some read spots in my arms because of the pesticide on the seeds and it really burns! What comes to my toes... Well, I'm sure the picture tells you enough about that one! So I'm a bit disappointed to myself because I have to admit that I haven't been as positive as I thought I would be during this experience. Time to time I have been like the biggest pessimist and that's awful! Sometimes I wondered if I'm trying to challenge myself a bit too much, but still I'm happy I'm doing this. This will increase my willpower and strength in every ways!

My hurtful legs before the work!

I'm thinking already that this will be the experience that I will remember the rest of my life! It's good to go through some different difficulties to see the world differently again! If someone would said to me couple years ago that I will go and do afforestation I would laugh my ass off! But here I am even it's hard to believe! I even think that it's quite sad to leave here, I'm so used to this by now! I got to know these people and they treat me so well, like a family member! And actually this isn't so bad after all! 

This may be the best way to go to work!
I'm not so happy but not so negative. I'm just really tired :D!

Single life

Single life, that's what I'm living. I've been single over 1,5 years (if I'm not counting couple guys I used to date awhile). It has caused a lot of work for me. Do I think it's nice to be single? Well.. In every situation there is positive and negative aspect. I think the problem is that we want those things we don't have.

First year was very hard for me. I just missed so much someone next to me. It was so hard that there weren't anyone waiting me to come home, giving me kiss goodnight, hugging when everything in life went wrong. Still I think the hardest part was creating a social safety net. I was so used to the fact that the only truly loved and trusted one was the person I was living with. So the breaking up is also the worst and the best thing that have happened to me. If that wouldn't happen I would still rely on only one person and that's not recommended at all! Now I have lovely persons in my life, more than one! You just can't have only one truly close person in your life! Anything can happen in life and still the one that takes care of you is.. you! And if I feel that I need a hug, I will get one from my friends for example :)!

About being single there are quite many awesome things. I can think it in a positive way; now I'm living a different kind of life. Now I can do things that I can't do when I'm in a relationship. I can go anywhere I want, do anything and I'm responsible only to myself. Of course I live my life in a way that doesn't hurt anyone, at least I'm doing my best. And actually, living single life is quite nice! I like my own house and my own time and space. In general people see single life too glorious. It's simply life even if you are living alone or with someone. But I respect everyone who can truly live by themselves. And also I'm doing very well nowadays!

I have noticed that people have quite much one night affairs. I'm not saying that it's good or bad thing, but the reason why people do that.. If you do that only because you feel lonely, that's quite wrong way to fix loneliness. Second thing is that you shouldn't never walk into relationship only because "you just need someone next to you". It's hard not to do those things, because we are emotional animals. The whole point is that everyone needs to learn how to enjoy those things we have at current moment. Because in every situation there is positive and negative aspect. And you won't never get this moment back again. I'm happier than ever. Why? My life isn't "better" than before, I don't have anything more. But I learnt to appreciate the things I have! I don't have much but at the same time I have more than ever! It's all about you mind, the way you choose to see things!

Moderation

I'm "black and white" - person; I take and give everything or nothing. It has caused lots of extra work in every area of my life. When I start to do something I do it almost too well, so everything takes too much time! Maybe it's called perfectionism... At times it's so hard to even start do anything because it's gonna be too laborious.

Why I'm writing about it right now? Well.. My little brother and his girlfriend visited my house and I really enjoyed it, I just love them so much! So I decided to  bake some bread for breakfast. As you know I live alone, so I don't need enormous amount of food. Nevertheless I started to bake quite many of bread rolls. After two hours of baking I had seven baking trays of rolls and still over half of the pastry left. I got the picture that I had overreact badly. We ate many of those but still I have hundred rolls left. I baked almost four hours and after two hours I started to laugh like crazy. I mean what am I gonna do with so many of bread rolls!? I just got so enthusiastic because I have free weekend, I traveled home to Jyväskylä and spend some time with my little brother who lives quite far away. Maybe I should find a way to decrease my black and white feature :D!

If someone lives near to city of Jyväskylä, you are welcome to visit my house and eat some bread rolls :D!

Totally different kind of work (part1)

I decided to do something really different this summer! I'm not even sure why, but I remember that I wanted to challenge myself and also stay in a "new road" and do something that I've never done before.


I'm staying in my friends parents house. They were completely strangers to me and also I was to them. I think it's really rare in Finland that you take someone to live with you even you haven't seen the person before. I'm so happy for the fact that they took me into their home and they are so nice to me. It's going really well even I was a bit afraid because I'm used to live by myself. But it's nice to have people around me, it feels like a real home.

Lovely house I'm staying in!

As I have said before, I'm not good with morning. But this work has made waking up even more difficult!
This is also the reason why I didn't write last week.

This village, called Reisjärvi is really small (population is only 3000), and this is my first time here. Everyone in this village knows each others so I'm pretty odd sight here. It's so relaxing to be in the countryside with the nature. But in turn I miss the city, makeup and high heels! Still I'm gonna take everything out of this because this is once in a lifetime experience! That's why I wanted to come here in a first place.

So, the work I'm doing for one month is afforestation. I didn't really know what is it like. I knew that it is quite hard, well and truly physical. But I must say that I didn't have a clue how physical! It's all about walking in the forest all day long with plenty of pine seeds and a pop pipe. I didn't have any idea how hard it is and how painful it is to walk around the woodland all day long. I burned my skin in the sun quite badly, my knee is extremely sore, it's also hurting in my back... List goes on and on! But still I think that it's really good for me to do physical work! At least I fall a sleep every night easily and my muscles are growing fast! This is very good training for me: if I can wake up every morning with a good attitude I'm so proud of myself!

There's couple cardboard boxes of seeds and those red boxes are the ones where we carry all the seeds.
Looks lighter than it's in reality. I carry my box on the hips. 

My friend with the whole equipment.
Trust me, it's not work for women :D!

After 9 hours in the forest, feet trying to kill you, stomach gurgling for hunger, and the whole body full of dirt. It really is amazing feeling to sit down, enjoy the sun and homemade berry juice!

Where the road goes?

I can remember the time I was just a little girl. I always wondered where every road leads to. I used to look for new roads, those that I have never walked in. I felt that every road is like an adventure and I wished that I would find something wonderful at the end of those. Later on I realized that those were just an ordinary roads with ordinary things, there weren't any treasure. After that I tried to find some awesome things along the road from other things. I tried almost everything: too hard physical training, alcohol, smoking, running away from home, spend time with bad people, screaming, crying, one-night affairs, eating disorder, sitting alone in the woods and other disturbing things which I'm not proud of (and I have to say that there were many reasons for that kind of behavior)! I lost my way and my believe in treasures. Thankfully I hardly even remember those things anymore. All those things took me into a very deep waters. But then I found love or that's what I thought it was. That changed everything. I stepped into a new road, road to a better life and healing. That man gave me so much love, respect, attention, safety and trust that I was sure my life was going as it was meant to go. I own my life to that man even everything went so wrong and he hurt me and I hurt him the worst possible ways, but still.


Couple years ago I felt a strong need to go away, look for new adventures from new places. I was satisfied that I needed to move away from the city and from the whole country I lived in. I found myself in a situation where I didn't even know how I was or whose life I was living in. I hated that feeling more than anything! So again I was in a situation where I just had to find "a treasure", I needed it desperately. I was so angry to myself: I had everything in my life, everything! I just couldn't figure out why my heart was so restless and overheated but at the same time so apprehensive, full of fear. I wanted to fly away, anywhere, but I didn't find courage to do anything. I can't blame myself; I was bounded to another person and I was addicted to all the things he was giving to me. I was nothing without him. And the road went down. We both were lost but love was just too strong.

Suddenly I found a new road, golden mean. I applied to school which was in a different city. I knew that if I would get in I had to move alone. And I did. What happened after that is a one big mess, but it had nothing to do with golden mean. If I would write it down it would take donkey's years! But I moved and lost everything again. I had changed my whole life because of what? Because of a new road!? I felt myself the biggest jerk in the world: so naive, stupid, swift to anger, worthless pile of junk. Nothing made sense anymore. For the first time I felt very different kind of fear: I am full of nothing. When the fear doesn't come outside of you it's impossible to handle. That fear was something I couldn't run away. I was terrified and all alone. I was so sure that the road I was suppose to walk was taken away from me and I couldn't see that there could be anything else left for me. I understood that there were so many things, so many roads left but I felt the other way round. It took over a year to feel some pleasure in life.


The road is wide open. I found grace of my heart, I found desire of trying every kind of roads. I realized that when the old door is closed the other one is opened. Every time you loose something you also get back something. It's almost impossible to see on the instant but it's true. I'm trying to learn how to see that during the hard times, during the period when I just have to let go of someone or something because that will happen in life, that's for sure. The point is that you can never know which road is right, what road leads you into places you want to go. I think it's not about where you end up, it's about how you make your journey. You just need to be brave and go somewhere. I have all ready learnt so much even it hasn't been easy. I just can't wait what this road brings on. Sometimes it would be nice if I could predict future even a little. But the adventure isn't complete if I could know what's gonna happen. So where the road goes? I have no idea and I'm loving it!