Where the road goes?

I can remember the time I was just a little girl. I always wondered where every road leads to. I used to look for new roads, those that I have never walked in. I felt that every road is like an adventure and I wished that I would find something wonderful at the end of those. Later on I realized that those were just an ordinary roads with ordinary things, there weren't any treasure. After that I tried to find some awesome things along the road from other things. I tried almost everything: too hard physical training, alcohol, smoking, running away from home, spend time with bad people, screaming, crying, one-night affairs, eating disorder, sitting alone in the woods and other disturbing things which I'm not proud of (and I have to say that there were many reasons for that kind of behavior)! I lost my way and my believe in treasures. Thankfully I hardly even remember those things anymore. All those things took me into a very deep waters. But then I found love or that's what I thought it was. That changed everything. I stepped into a new road, road to a better life and healing. That man gave me so much love, respect, attention, safety and trust that I was sure my life was going as it was meant to go. I own my life to that man even everything went so wrong and he hurt me and I hurt him the worst possible ways, but still.


Couple years ago I felt a strong need to go away, look for new adventures from new places. I was satisfied that I needed to move away from the city and from the whole country I lived in. I found myself in a situation where I didn't even know how I was or whose life I was living in. I hated that feeling more than anything! So again I was in a situation where I just had to find "a treasure", I needed it desperately. I was so angry to myself: I had everything in my life, everything! I just couldn't figure out why my heart was so restless and overheated but at the same time so apprehensive, full of fear. I wanted to fly away, anywhere, but I didn't find courage to do anything. I can't blame myself; I was bounded to another person and I was addicted to all the things he was giving to me. I was nothing without him. And the road went down. We both were lost but love was just too strong.

Suddenly I found a new road, golden mean. I applied to school which was in a different city. I knew that if I would get in I had to move alone. And I did. What happened after that is a one big mess, but it had nothing to do with golden mean. If I would write it down it would take donkey's years! But I moved and lost everything again. I had changed my whole life because of what? Because of a new road!? I felt myself the biggest jerk in the world: so naive, stupid, swift to anger, worthless pile of junk. Nothing made sense anymore. For the first time I felt very different kind of fear: I am full of nothing. When the fear doesn't come outside of you it's impossible to handle. That fear was something I couldn't run away. I was terrified and all alone. I was so sure that the road I was suppose to walk was taken away from me and I couldn't see that there could be anything else left for me. I understood that there were so many things, so many roads left but I felt the other way round. It took over a year to feel some pleasure in life.


The road is wide open. I found grace of my heart, I found desire of trying every kind of roads. I realized that when the old door is closed the other one is opened. Every time you loose something you also get back something. It's almost impossible to see on the instant but it's true. I'm trying to learn how to see that during the hard times, during the period when I just have to let go of someone or something because that will happen in life, that's for sure. The point is that you can never know which road is right, what road leads you into places you want to go. I think it's not about where you end up, it's about how you make your journey. You just need to be brave and go somewhere. I have all ready learnt so much even it hasn't been easy. I just can't wait what this road brings on. Sometimes it would be nice if I could predict future even a little. But the adventure isn't complete if I could know what's gonna happen. So where the road goes? I have no idea and I'm loving it!